You Don’t Need Permission: How to Own Your Dreams and Go After What You Want
If you feel like you need permission and validation to take action, to do something new, to change careers, to start a business, to move across country, to quit your job,or just do something big that is on your heart, then this article is for you.
When I first adopted my dog, Chocolate, he was impulsive. He was his own dog. He was Mr. Independent, which was cute and endearing, until I realized it was dangerous – sprinting after rabbits while on walks, leaping at trucks that drove by.
I knew I had to start training some of his impulses out of him. Now, for Chocolate, the old “can’t teach old dogs new tricks” saying kind of applied to him. He was “selective” about what he obeyed.
But, we got to the point where on walks he would check in with me. If I spilled food on the floor, he’d look at me and wait to see if he was allowed to have it.
Waiting for permission was exactly what was needed to keep him safe.
As humans, we also learn to wait for someone to tell us if it’s ok to take action. We always had to ask permission to do things as we grew up. Someone else was telling us what we should be doing next or what we could afford, or what was a safe path forward in life.
Our school institutions also told us what to do and when. We had to raise our hands to get permission to speak or go use the bathroom. Our society instilled in us that going to college and getting corporate job, and getting married, and having a 401K was what represented the best “success path.”
Society has this invisible set of rules around what is acceptable, what everyone’s role is, how loud and outspoken we should be, or when we should or shouldn’t have an opinion.
Our human and animalistic nature is to be a part of a pack. You don’t want to be weak or different and not be included because that puts you in jeopardy of not being protected if danger is around. You want to feel included and belonging so that you are accepted and safe amongst your “village”.
This has such a HUGE impact on what we feel free to pursue in life, changes we desire to make, dreams we desire to go out after.
Think about how many times you held yourself back, waited for “a sign” or the right moment, felt you needed to get approval from friends, family, spouses, or mentors, sought out validation before taking action.
In this article, we are going to dive deeper into how people especially women, are conditioned to seek permission and WHY you don’t need anyone’s approval to chase your dreams, make changes, or take any action in your life, career, businesses, relationships.
It’s time you felt EMPOWERED to make your own decisions and go create a life lead by your own heart and soul desires and intuitive nudges!
Why We Feel Like We Need Permission
1. Conditioning & Societal Expectations
Have you ever heard the song “Mama’s Broken Heart” by Miranda Lambert?
In the song, she talks about being emotional and vengeful after a break up, but her mom doesn’t approve of how she is acting because the town is gossipping:
Go and fix your makeup girl it’s just a break-up
Run and hide your crazy and start actin’ like a lady
‘Cause I raised you better, gotta keep it together
Even when you fall apart
But this ain’t my mama’s broken heart
Powder your nose, paint your toes
Line your lips and keep ’em closed
Cross your legs, dot your I’s
And never let ’em see you cry
Without realizing it, we have been conditioned to act a certain way, especially women.
Most of the time it’s not to be seen or heard. It’s to be graceful, poised, and by the book.
Hide your crazy, do what others expect from you, don’t show your emotion.
We are taught to be “good girls” following society’s rules. Don’t go out of the norm.
When women wanted to do something else – vote, go to school to be a doctor, own their own home, get a loan, start a business, not have children, not get married – this was seen as rebellious, sometimes selfish or irresponsible.
Because others couldn’t and still don’t understand wanting something different or don’t understand or believe you can have your dream, it can feel scary to buck the rules and pave your own path.
In a way, we have centuries of old conditioning running through our veins telling us it isn’t “SAFE” to do something different, to go after our dreams, to do something others may not understand or dare to do themselves.
This leads us to fear judgment and disapproval from others.
2. Fear of Judgment or Disapproval
“If I do this, who will support me? Will I be all alone? What if I fail? Who will help me up? What will people think?”
These questions are what stops most women in their tracks when it comes to getting started or taking bold action when embarking on a new career, new life vision, new business, new relationship, or making a big change like moving across the country.
The problem with asking these questions is that we don’t know the answer. It’s new territory, and our brains were conditioned to believe that it’s not safe, there’s no proof, and history shows evidence that we will be ostracized, an outcast.
Our brains want evidence that we can succeed, so instead it focuses on the ways we would fail. It’s main purpose is to protect us from danger. People criticizing us or judging us is ingrained in us as unsafe and dangerous.
We want to seek approval so that we know that it’s “safe” to go out after this new EXPERIENCE.
The problem is: if we wait for approval, we may never start.
3. Imposter Syndrome & Self-Doubt
The downside of being conditioned to seek or wait for validation and approval is that we don’t learn to trust ourselves, to focus on how we are qualified, or how we have everything we need to succeed.
Welcome, Imposter Syndrome.
Without anyone validating that we have enough, or that we are qualified, without us practicing building confidence in our own decisions, holding onto the fear of judgement and failure, we start to embody a imposter syndrome mindset and this fear that we aren’t ready.
It’s this constant need to be 100% certain that we will succeed, that we won’t do anything that will lead to critiques or criticism or judgement, that we have all our ducks in a row, to know that people will approve and support us, that leaves us waiting for the right time, the right knowledge, the right about of education and experience.
And sadly, waiting to be ready often leads to never starting.
Here is a great article about overcoming imposter syndrome that will help you ignite your confidence: 8 Ways for Getting Outside of Your Comfort Zone
How to Stop Seeking Permission and Trust Yourself Instead
Imagine what it would feel like if you trusted yourself and your own intuition more than the validation of other people? What would that feel like?
What would it feel like to say, “I am doing it anyway. It feels good for me. This is what I want for my life.”
1. Recognize That No One Else Knows What’s Best for You
Truth about being human: No one is living your life.
I remember years ago when I was pining over a breakup, my aunt said to me “Your the only one you’re going to spend the rest of your life with.”
What she meant was it doesn’t matter if you are in a relationship or have a family, husband, kids. You are the only one you spend every single second, minute, hour, day, and life with. This is YOUR show while everyone else is leading their life as their own lead character.
Someone may not like what you are doing with your life, but most likely that’s coming from a place of not wanting it or understanding or envisioning themselves doing it. Their own feels projecting onto you.
You’re the only one that knows what lights you up, what feels right for you, what your heart and soul things the best path is for you. What is meant for you in this moment in time.
You’re the only one that has to approve. It’s your journey.
I like to think of me laying in bed at 95 reflecting on my life. What will I be proud of? What will be important? What will make me say “I DID THAT! I created that! I dared to follow my heart.!”
2. Shift from External Validation to Self-Validation
There’s a powerful mindset shift that can happen with one little question you ask yourself:
Instead of “Is this okay?” ask, Does this feel right for me?
That’s all that matters in the end. What is “OK” is subjective. What’s the filter for what is ok? Again that comes down to your definition of ok versus everyone else’s individual definitions of it based on their own lives, fears, doubts, limiting beliefs, life journey.
Instead, asking if it’s right for you gives you back YOUR power. It teaches you to be honest with yourself, to identify what you want and don’t want, what aligns with what you want for your life moving forward.
By asking this question, you start to learn to trust your own desires, dreams, and instincts. They will never steer you wrong. What steers you wrong is only choosing to do things people approve of, or what feels acceptable, or what you feel you SHOULD do.
By asking if it’s right for you, you allow yourself to stay aligned to your heart and soul AND avoid wasting time on things that will drain your energy and keep you where you don’t want to be.
3. Redefine Success on Your Own Terms
Society loves to dictate what SUCCESS is supposed to look like. You know the marriage, house with white picket fence, 2.5 kids, 9-5 job with benefits, money to travel, millions of dollars in the bank.
There are 6 billion people in the world. It isn’t even logical to think that one definition of success will align with everyone.
Not everyone wants to Beverly Hills mansion, or the Business Empire, or to travel to Fiji.
Recently I sold my home that I build and owned all by myself when I was 36. It took me a year to overcome the fear that I had failed. Truth was, it was just too expensive for me and I hated the responsibility – lawn care, exterminator, appliance maintenance, landscaping, weed control, electric bill, water bill, HOA rules.
I wasn’t enjoying life. I wanted my time, energy, and money to do what I loved, to travel, to have things like pretty clothes. I wanted to spend more time writing.
But that old conditioning that owning a home was a symbol of success kept me stuck.
Once I could TRUST my own intuition that it was right to sell it and move on, my whole world opened up for me. I became lighter, happier, more fulfilled.
Your SUCCESS may look completely different than what others expect or what others’ desire, and that is perfectly ok. In fact, it’s how it’s supposed to be.
Start to define what success looks like for you and create the path that will give you that life. Trust that you know what is best for YOUR life.
How to Stop Seeking Permission and Trust Yourself Instead
Here are some exercise to get you started on trusting your own intuition and start giving yourself permission to live like your own way without worrying about others’ validation and approval:
1. Write Yourself a Permission Slip
Literally, write down: “I give myself permission to ____. I don’t need approval. I trust myself.”
Then, write out all the reasons why this is meant for you, why you are qualified for it, what opportunities and experiences it will open up for you.
Keep this note visible as a daily reminder and when you need to as imposter syndrome and fears bubble up, grab your journal and do this exercise again.
2. Take One Bold Step Without Asking Anyone First
If you have something on your heart take one small action towards it. It doesn’t mean you have to go all in. You don’t have to announce it to the world. Play with it. Have fun. Take one small step. Explore it. Take action before your brain can talk you out of it.
Say to yourself “just for today, I am going to….”
Sign up for the class. Start the blog. Post the content. Start writing. Rent the guitar. Go ask to get a tour of the gym. Whatever it is…Just commit to take one small action. Your confidence will start to build and you’ll start to trust your intuition.
Download the 30 Day Habit Tracker to help you get started on taking small daily actions and committing to small habits that will ignite your confidence and help you start seeing results. You can also check out the 7 powerful daily habits for entrepreneur success article in THE JOURNAL.
3. Let Go of the Need to Please Everyone
Some people will have opinions, but their opinions don’t pay your bills or create your happiness. They are simply THEIR opinion. Their opinion is none of your business. It is simply their point of view based on their own life, their own fears, their own vision for what they want.
They are not giving you their opinion based off or what is best for you. Only you can do that.
The people who truly support you will celebrate your courage. Find the network of people that have similar dreams or are doing things you desire to do. You can adopt a new support system if your current one doesn’t understand what you are aiming for.
Final Encouragement: No One is Coming to Give You Permission
The moment you stop waiting for approval is the moment your life starts to change. You start to feel empowered. You start to feel in control. You start to feel unstoppable. You start to feel limitless. And doesn’t that sound AMAZING?!
Remember: You don’t need anyone’s validation to chase your dreams—you only need your own.
The only question left is: What will you give yourself permission to do today?
Want unconditional support and accountability in a safe space without judgement? Schedule a free 30 minute Momentum call and lets talk about the goals and dreams you are aiming for and how to get the confidence to take the bold actions to get there.
Next Steps
If you are ready to overcome imposter syndrome and step into your power as an entrepreneur, check out BREAKTHOUGH or sign up for a free 30 minute momentum call today.
It’s time to stop sitting on the sidelines and start seeing the results you desire!
