Breaking Free from the Fear of Judgment: How to Stop Worrying About What Others Think
If you have ever wished to break free from the fear of judgement, then this article is for you!
I just moved into a new apartment complex after selling my home. One of the attractive features of this community is the fitness center. It has an impressive array of equipment.
I thought I was going to be excited about using the gym, but my efforts keep getting thwarted by my sheer fear of people judging me for not knowing how to use the equipment.
I fear people watching me work out, or try to adjust the seat of a machine. They have these fancy treadmills that I can’t figure out how to use. I stand on it pressing buttons, trying to create a login and am so embarrassed that I can’t figure it out.
The fear that people are watching me and judging my amateur level gym experience is paralyzing!
The good news is that I found a way of building my confidence by having my trainer come meet me at the gym to help me figure out the machines and get me comfortable and confident in the gym.
But the truth is: so many women (and men!) hold themselves back from taking bold action towards their goals and dreams because they are afraid of what others will think.
They fear being judged and criticized.
The fear of judgement can leave you stuck, hesitating to start a business, speak up, share your goals with others, show up and be seen, start dating, make friends.
It’s always an indication that we are putting more weight and importance on external validation than on trusting our own intuition and desires.
In this article we are going to break down what is really happening around the Fear of Judgement, and how to switch your mindset when you are worried about what other people will think, and how to take action despite your fear.
Where the Fear of Judgment Comes From
We can thank our fear of judgement on our deep, ingrained conditioning and human nature.
1. Our Evolutionary Need for Belonging
Historically, humans needed social acceptance to survive. Our animalistic nature is to be accepted as part of a pack so that we are safe and protected by others. If we are deemed different, weak, not accepted, we risk being alone in life to fend for ourselves. We risk not succeeding or being able to care for ourselves.
Society is built on social circles, communities, educational institutions, corporate institutions, and our networks. We are taught we need to be a part of these groups. We find things in common to tie us together. But what if you veer off and have different interests? Are you no longer a part of the group?
The cool thing about today’s world is that you don’t need to find similarity with your current local circle. You can connect to people around the world that have similar things in common, who will support you and share their own stories that are similar to yours. With 6 billion people in the world, you do not have to be liked or approved and accepted by everyone. It’s impossible. But there are people that will be your cheerleader, not judge you, and instead be inspired by you.
2. Past Experiences & Conditioning
I have this paralyzing fear of singing the Star Spangled Banner. When I was in high school, I was asked to sing it before some kind of sport game or assembly. I felt honored to be asked.
As you can imagine, it didn’t go well. I forgot the lyrics in the middle of the song. Now in my defense it’s one of the hardest songs to sing as a singer, but I was mortified. People wouldn’t let me live it down. They could’nt understand how I could forget the words.
In the end, a teacher jumped in to help me finish the song and afterwards the ROTC director gave me a book with the lyrics so I don’t forget it again.
Anyway, when you have been criticized or judged in the past, your brain is going to try to “protect” you from future judgment. It is going to make sure that whatever actions you take moving forward are safe, and won’t put you in that position again. After being judged in the past, it now has a filter that filters through everything you are about to embark on and analyzes it for the possibility that you will be judged.
We also heavily rely on the approval of our families and what society deems right or wrong or acceptable. These things are conditioned into our wiring. Anything that is outside of those expectations or comes even close to a situation where you were criticized in the past will make you fearful of even considering doing something new and different.
3. Perfectionism & People-Pleasing
This is why so many of us struggle with perfectionism and pleasing people. We want to avoid anything uncomfortable at all costs. We try to anticipate the outcome, make everything perfect so there is no room for criticism. Our brains try to create evidence ahead of time that it will all go well, and our new endeavor will be accepted.
The problem with perfectionism and people-pleasing is that it is a sure fire way to hold yourself, never take action, and for pushing your dreams to further down the line based on the false belief that at some point it will be the perfect time to do it where you won’t make mistakes or be judged. It’s a false belief only keeping you from the goals and dreams you truly desire.
How to Shift Your Mindset Around Judgment
Here is where we dive into a powerful mindset shift. One that will give you more and more confidence to take action anyway.
First, let’s understand that the fear of judgement is based on external validation. It’s based on you allowing the outside world to have the decision making power in your life, instead of you and your intuition.
When you can shift this perspective to YOU having the power to make your decisions, where YOUR happiness is more important, this is when your fear of judgement loses its hold on you.
1. Realize that people’s opinions are about them, not you!
I can’t remember who said it, but I love the quote “people’s opinions of you are none of your business.”
Wow, right? It’s none of your business what people think of you. That is their perspective, their concern. Here’s the problem with people’s criticism and judgement – it is based on their own experiences, their own fears, their own limiting beliefs and insecurities, and what they would or would not be willing to do in their life. It is based on what they think their life should look like and what decisions they would make for themselves at this point in their life.
I heard another quote that said something like: “You’ll never be criticized by someone who is doing more than you. You’ll always be criticized by someone doing less.”
Meaning, those that are out there focusing on their own goals, working hard, arent’ the ones criticizing you. It’s the ones that are envious, that don’t understand your goals, that wish they had the courage to do what you are doing, that believe they can’t do what you are out there doing, that are the ones that are spending time judging and criticizing you.
Their opinions of you are none of your business. Your focus is on the people that will support you, that want to know more, that are curious about your success, that are cheering you on. Those are the people you want to find and connect with.
2. Understand That Judgment Is Inevitable
We are human and people like to tear people down to make themselves feel better. Everyone is showing up to this game of LIFE with their own stories, fears, expectations and belief.
No matter what you do, someone will have an opinion. They will either had a loud opinion you hear or a quiet opinion you have no clue about.
Instead of fearing it, accept that it’s part of life—and that you’re strong enough to handle it. Realize that those people aren’t your people. That you don’t have to share with them what you are doing. You get to decide who has a say in the decisions and actions you take.
3. Reframe Judgment as a Sign of Growth
Here is a mindset shift for you: People are only paying attention to what you are doing when you are taking bold action, changing things up, following your heart and soul. If they are judging you, then it means you’re doing something bold. You caught their attention enough to trigger something in themselves. Most likely a secret admiration for you going out after your goals. You are rocking the boat, and that makes people uncomfortable because it can make them realize how much they aren’t growing. Your confidence is making them uncomfortable.
Remember: Every successful person has faced criticism—because they dared to step outside the norm. They dared to do things their own way even amongst the criticism. Welcome to the world of being bold and going out after what you desire!
How to Confidently Take Action Despite Fear
Ok, now it’s time to learn the tools to ignite action despite your fear.
1. Ask Yourself: “What’s the Worst That Can Happen?”
Often, our fears are much bigger in our minds than in reality. Our brains are great at making up stories on all the things that could go wrong.
What if you prepared for the worst? Take the power out of the fear.
Ask yourself: “What’s the worst that could happen?”
Write it out. See it on paper. You may have a voice in your head that says “that’s it? That isn’t too bad?”
Then, ask yourself if that has ever happened before. If something similar has happened, remind yourself it was uncomfortable but you made it through. Most likely it’s never happened before and this is just you borrowing worry when it may never happen at all.
For example: you post something on social media and you get a bunch of horrible comments. Ok. What can you do? Turn off the comments? Don’t read them? Block those people? You go to the gym and you fall off the treadmill. Ok. Embarrassing. What if people just asked if you were ok? Would anyone really be talking about it afterwards? Probably not.
Then ask yourself: “what is the BEST thing that could happen?”
You may think this is a 50/50 scenario where either can happen, but actually that isn’t really true. Both are extremes – the best and the worst. Mostly likely something will happen in the middle or closer to the best thing that could happen. The worst case is always an over exaggeration in our minds.
Here’s the cool thing: Most people aren’t paying as much attention as you think! They are so focused on their own life story and struggles, and dreams. And those taking bold action and focusing on their own journey, aren’t spending time worrying about what’s happening in yours. Most people aren’t paying too close attention to be judging what you do. And even if they are, they may judge you before you do it, but not after you’ve achieved it.
2. Practice Self-Validation
This is where you switch your perspective from focusing on the external perception of you to an internal perception of yourself.
One of the most powerful tools to overcome the fear of judgement and failure is to make your own inner voice and intuition LOUDER and more important than external validation and approval.
This is where journaling can help change everything around. It’s like a dialogue with yourself. You have to be your own cheerleader.
When you can become the one rooting for you and having your needs come first, then the outside world gets a little quieter and more and more irrelevant in your decisions.
Grab your journal and ask yourself: Am I proud of this decision? Does this align with my values and goals? Why am I excited for this goal? How will this improve my life? What will this give me?
In the end, that is all that matters!
3. Surround Yourself with Supportive People
Sometimes you need to create your support system. It may not already be built into your current family and friends.
If you have people that support you, spend more time with them. Allow them to uplift you and encourage you.
If not, find groups of people with similar interests and goals. People that are going out doing the things you are embarking on, creating lives similar to the one you are creating for yourself. If you are starting a business, find entrepreneur groups. If you are moving to a new city, find groups of newcomers. If you are in a specific job industry, find groups in the same industry. If you are learning knitting, find knitting groups. Find people that will mentor you, guide you, cheer you on.
You can also hire a coach. Coaches are there to support whatever goal and dream you are embarking on. They are neutral. They guide you to be the most confident version of yourself so that you can take bold action towards whatever is next for you. They help you identify the dreams that are right for YOU and where you might be compromising or leading with fear.
Also, reduce time with those who project their own fears onto you. If you know people in your life don’t approve of you or don’t understand your decision, it’s ok to distance yourself, let the relationship fade, or not share those parts of you with them. You have to protect your own mind, confidence and energy. And its ok to do that. It’s part of the growth process. Not everyone grows at the same pace.
4. Take Small, Courageous Steps
There’s no need to LEAP. Start with small steps to build up your confidence.
Confidence isn’t built overnight—it grows through action. Each step you take despite your fear, is another coin in your confidence jar.
With each small step you take, you’ll either realize that no one is judging you and you have more support than you think, or you might get a few comments you don’t like, but you’ll realize they don’t matter, because taking action will build your confidence and you’ll become more and more proud of what you are going after.
Final Encouragement: Your Life, Your Rules
Here are some BOLD reminders (just a little kick in the pants!)
- You were not put on this earth to play small or live for other people’s expectations. We get ONE shot at this life. It’s a go big or go home (literally) type of situation. So, remember: the opinions of others will fade, but the regret of not pursuing your dreams will stay.
- Take the first step today—boldly, confidently, and without apology. I promise, it may feel uncomfortable but it will be WORTH it in the end. You will either achieve what you desire or learn something valuable in the end. And you won’t regret either one.
Next Steps
Looking for accountability to step out and take action, create the right vision and plan for you, and build our confidence and overcome your fears? sign up for a free 30 minute momentum call We will look at where you are now, what goals you are aiming for and what is holding you back. Then we will determine the best next steps for you to take.
